Built the Shadows Here
by pandorabox82
Summary: Henrik takes care of Roxanna after she loses a patient on the operating table.


Roxanna yawned for the fifth time in as many minutes, raising one hand to absently rub at her eyes as she fought to keep her attention on the road. The surgery had lasted much later than she had anticipated, and all she wanted was to get home, feed their cat, and then curl up in bed with Henrik. Sex was the last thing on her mind, she just wanted to be held by him as she tried to forget how things had gone downhill so quickly. She had used every trick in her skillset as a surgeon to try and get control of the situation, but in the end, all of her training and skills had amounted to nothing, and the patient had lost his life. Henrik had been the one to tell her to stop fighting, to let the young man go with grace, but she hadn't wanted to tell his wife that despite everything, their best hadn't been good enough.

Somehow, they had muddled through the notification, and then she had told Henrik that she had to get out of the hospital before she went mad. There were certain things that triggered her bad memories of the time she had been a patient at Holby, and head injuries were one of the largest. He nodded in understanding, digging the keys out of his pocket and tossing them to her. That was their unspoken understanding, when she was upset, she drove, since it helped her to focus on the moment and forget what had led her to becoming upset in the first place. And now, they were nearly home, but she was just so tired, as the adrenaline waned.

Feeling a hand on hers, she jumped a little before looking over at Henrik. "Pull over, let me drive for a little while." There was no condemnation in his eyes, just a profound look of understanding, and Roxanna nodded a little as she did just that, making certain that no one was behind them as she slid the gear into park and let out a long breath as she climbed out of the vehicle. They met by the boot, and then Henrik was pulling her into a tight embrace, kissing the top of her head as she burst into tears. "I know, darling, I know," he murmured as he tightened his grip around her, as if he wanted to hold her together in that moment.

"I just really need to be home?" she said brokenly, and he nodded before kissing her head once more and releasing her, allowing her to climb into the passenger seat of his car and buckle in, curling up on her side as she watched him finish up the rest of their drive home. A deep sigh escaped her lips as she unfolded her body and got out of the car, heading into the house and knelt to pick up their cat, cuddling her close to her chest as she went into the kitchen.

"Don't feed her on the counter, Roxy, it's giving her bad habits," Henrik said as he joined them, turning on the front burner before setting the kettle atop it as he rooted around in the cupboard for tea and mugs. "All right?"

"It's easier this way, Henrik," she protested as she slid Pancake's bowl over to her side, filling it quickly with a scoop of dry food before setting the cat down so that she could eat. "Besides, it's just dry food, and I'll wipe up any crumbs she leaves behind." Pancake meowed her agreement, and Roxanna reached out to skritch behind her ears, a small smile curving her lips upwards when she started to purr in response.

"You have a soft heart, darling," he said as he finished getting the tea ready for them. She shrugged as she drifted over to his side, letting her head come to rest on his chest so that she could listen to his heart beat strongly in her ear. "There was nothing that you could do. His injuries were too much to repair."

"But I should have tried harder! It wasn't like he was doing anything wrong; he just tripped over a piece of pavement and struck his head. I should have been able to fix the brain bleed. You were able to fix the other issues. So this is all on my shoulders." Once more, tears clouded her vision, and she nuzzled her nose against his jacket, allowing the scent of his cologne to fill her senses as she tried to get herself to calm down a little. "I'm sorry, I'm just a little fragile, still, even after all these months. One would think that I would have learned how to move past that by now, but I guess that I haven't."

"Grief and healing don't have a particular timetable, darling," he murmured as he rubbed her back softly. Roxanna nodded a few times as the kettle began to whistle. Untangling herself from his embrace, she stepped away and watched as Henrik poured water into their mugs before gesturing towards the living room with his head. "Shall we?"

She smiled briefly as she left the kitchen, finding herself slow to walk to the living room, her brain still filled with thoughts of what she could have done to fix the damage. Roxanna knew, deep in her mind, that there truly had been nothing she could have done differently, nothing that would have fixed the bleed that originated deep in his brain, in a vessel that would be tricky to reach even under the best of circumstances. But her heart cried out for the second chance that the young man had been denied and she had been given. Sometimes she felt like it wasn't fair that she had been able to wake up from what John had tried to do to her, and that was why she tried so hard to save every life that came into her operating room, as a way to repay that chance.

In her mental fog, she managed to trip over the leg of the sofa and ended up faceplanting into it, listening to Henrik hurriedly set their mugs on the coffee table before helping her to her feet once more. She didn't mind when he embraced her once more, as she truly felt like she was coming apart at the seams in that moment. "Maybe we should take this to our bedroom, instead?"

Roxanna let out a watery laugh as she nodded. "That might be for the best. I guess I'm just more worn out than I thought I was."

"The surgery was long, and emotionally taxing. I would be surprised if you were bubbly and awake, honestly." She gave him a small nod as they went over to the bed, and watched him set the mugs on her nightstand before turning and standing in front of her and resting his hands on her shoulders. "Let me undress you tonight."

A soft smile spread across her lips as she nodded, letting her eyes slide closed as Henrik made quick work of the buttons on her blouse, pulling the tails out of her skirt before pushing it down her arms. Though she wasn't watching, she had the feeling that he had draped the blouse over his arm as he made short work of the zipper on her skirt, letting it fall to the floor before she opened her eyes to watch as he gently wrapped a hand around her ankle and lifted it before tugging the skirt away, then repeating the gesture with her other leg. When he went over to the closet to hang up the blouse and skirt, Roxanna rolled her tights down her legs, stepping out of them before making certain they were right side out and then folding them to put in her lingerie drawer. "I'm feeling a bit exposed here, Henrik."

"Just give me a minute, darling," he replied as he started to undress, hanging up his suit as he took it off until he was in just his pants and vest. Roxanna looked her fill as she reached behind her back and unclipped her bra, letting it fall off her body as she went over to the dresser and put it and her tights away before making her way to the bed and stretching out on her side, letting her back come to rest against the headboard as she picked up her tea and took a long sip, relishing the warmth that trailed down her throat as she watched him approach the bed and join her. "Hand me my tea?"

"Of course," she murmured as she passed him his mug. Roxanna found herself sighing a little as he adjusted himself on the bed so that he was touching her as a quiet fell over the room. There was something peaceful about this moment, and she knew that it was exactly what she needed in that moment. Finally, though, she had to break it, knowing that she had to tell him before he tried to wake her up at their normal time come the morning. "I need to take tomorrow off. I wouldn't be any good to anyone on the ward in my current condition, and I don't want to make a mistake. I know that will leave Keller a bit shorthanded, but…"

"I will call in a locum for the day, so try not to worry about leaving us in a lurch." Turning his head, he pressed a quick kiss against her temple before taking a large drink of tea and then setting the mug on his nightstand and slipping off his glasses. "Did I tell you that Sara called this morning?" She shook her head. "I guess that Oskar isn't adjusting as well to life back in Sweden as she would like, and she was wondering if we would mind having him with us full time. I know, it's not the most ideal…"

"But we would be able to raise him, and have him as a part of our lives. When will he arrive?"

"Next week." Henrik's voice was curiously thick on those two words, and she understood completely, turning her body a little so that she could rest her head on his shoulder. "I was hoping that that would be your answer, but I wasn't certain."

"Oskar is a sweet little boy, and I would be honored to have a hand in raising him. And if I remember correctly, he'll call me _farmor_?"

Henrik chuckled as he nodded. "Yes. When did you start to learn _svenska_?"

"I figured that it would be a good thing to learn, since we've decided to make things official. Sara seems more comfortable speaking your native tongue, and though Oskar has a good grasp on English, I know there are going to be times when he slips into Swedish, too. If I'm prepared for that, then I can help you more."

Henrik gave her a gentle smile as he took hold of her mug and set it next to his. "You always do seem to think of others before yourself, Roxanna. I believe that that is one of the traits that drew me to you in the first place. I wish I had that sort of selflessness."

She exhaled lowly, making a soft oh sound as she snuggled in closer to him, letting her arm come to rest lowly around his waist. "I think that you don't know how to view yourself, Henrik. You do have a selfless streak to you, and that was one of the things that drew me to you at Rigden, too. That, and your intellect. It was nice to have someone who could keep up with my train of thought, especially when I would make leaps and not really explain the in between steps, since it was so obvious to me. But thanks to you, and John, I was able to rein that in and make myself more cogent, which greatly helped my research."

Pulling up the duvet to cover them, Henrik nodded and ran his hand up and down her back as they settled in for the evening. "All you needed was that little nudge towards greatness. I was thinking that you should pick up your research once more. You've needed something to focus you, and I know that research was always a way for you to focus and recharge."

"I wouldn't know where to begin. It's been ages since I thought of my last research project, and John coopted all my notes for my first research attempt, the one that truly mattered."

"Well, maybe it's time that you did the coopting. Since he built a lot of his work off your research, why don't you take that research and salvage what you can before making it your own and coming up with a wonderful new breakthrough on how to treat the brain. I know that you can make great things happen from the ashes of what John wanted to do."

Henrik did have a good point, as John had built on her previous research in ways that she hadn't previously thought of. "That might be a good idea, actually. And that is why we are so good together, because we can always find the silver linings that we need." Lifting her head, Roxanna kissed his jaw before yawning widely and snuggling down against his body. "I hate to put a pin in this conversation, since you have given me so much to consider and mull over, but I don't think that I can stay awake much longer. May I be completely selfish and ask that you sing me to sleep? Anything that comes to mind, even Wagner, I don't care so long as it's your voice I hear as I drift away."

"I can do that, Roxanna," he replied softly as he adjusted himself on the mattress, making it so they were more in the centre, and then he was turning onto his side, tangling his fingers in her hair as he first started to hum a familiar tune, the sound starting to lull her ever closer to sleep, and just as his lips started to form the first words, Roxanna allowed herself to succumb, knowing that he would be there, holding her until he woke in the morning and left for work.


End file.
